shits weak and same as always. I sound like a pessimist on here because I only type on this thing when I hate myself. Today is one of those days. I'm sitting at the UOI in my dorms study lounge thinking about how I always get the short end of the stick. Truth is, I bring it upon myself. If I knew how to flirt with boys I wouldn't have a problem getting a boyfriend. Atleast that's what Mitch told me this past weekend when he was wasted. If I only knew what flirting meant... KIDDING. I know what it issssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. I just don't know how to do it. Today, Katie tells me Matt W asked for her number. I've only been talking about how cute he is since summer. . . . Is it just me or does she get EVERY guy I want. My last post on here was about how my guy crush probably liked her. Guess what? He did. He told me so just two days after that last post and boy did it make for one hellish of a summer after that. It was complete bullshit. And now she has a boyfriend and she still manages to make every boy like her more.


On a completely separate note, my problems are miniscule. Brandons brother just got shot and killed a few days ago and here I am ranting about my dumb problems. And yet I can't help but still be depressed and struggle struggle struggle. I need to stop.

finger word vomit

i'm such a shallow person. why, you ask? BEcause all i think about is boys. What is wrong with me? I should be thinking about sleep? But i'm not. I should be thinking about sleep. But i'm not. I caught myself typing that sentence twice half way through the second time writing it. Why am i not erasing it? because I find that the brain does weird things. Indirectly I am thinking about sleep. I'm also thinking about how I should be fixing my typos and grammatical errors. Am I doing either of those? No. I think I can write but I can't. I can write, but I feel as if Im not worthy of it because I have the grammar of a third grader. I guess you could say I'm in the process of going to sleep right now because I have the thought at the forefront of my mind, but I'm still word vomiting through my finger tips. Weird sentence. Fuck it. Fuck italll. I have a headache and I'm a masochist. Why would KAtie try and make me hopeful and say she thinks Andy actually likes me. It's a load of bull shit. I have a lot more self confidence now but why would he like me when he can get girls like Katie? hmmm. he held her hand yesterday when she didn't feel good. he probably likes her but she has a boyfriend. While i sit there in a meditative state jacked up on hydrocodone after the concert and contemplate how picking up trash from a concert wouldn't suck but might in fact be a very calming and meditative process. I didn't want to touch anyone after the concert because everyone there was drunk and douchey. They made me want to sit in my room at home and sleep and bitch and not eat. Contemplating anorexia.

I'm such a freak.

I think that I post these because I can go back and read them at another time and see how I have developed as a human being. They only truly serve as a rant page and as a way to embarass myself.

I get weirder with age.

I need to learn to not care what other people htinkg.

I need to go to ocllege and "find myself" or some shit. I need to tap into my inner weirdities and figure out what i feel. I like to "feel"

where did that come from? Ive been hung over for two days. I need sleep.
I also need to stop typing. I'll delete this post tomorrow probably. I wish I could just write a story like I originally wnated to. I don't know structure. not sentence structure. not structure to life. not nothin.

good editing on the last post. i didn't even finish my last sentence. niiiicee

I was so childish. It's been a very long time since I have posted on here...and my have I changed! I was so unhappy in high school and I do NOT know why. Funny thing about this blog...not that much has changed. I just got over my crush on my guy friend, I still talk the boy who ditched me on wpa and has a girlfriend, and I still swoon over Taylor Seeley (the boy I had a crush on for two years). Except he's something like a heroin addict now. SCARY! I am way more self confident now and I like a new boy. I have been crushin' on him for a while and finally FINALLY i'm friends with him.





He wrote on my wall after we hung out, "Let's hang out again!" after we hung out with this group of people. So naturally, I gave him my number. I was just so surprised because he wrote that on MY WALL. not Katie's, not Mitchells, not Brads (though he doesn't have a fb), and not Brandons or Allis. Fuck yeah. And yesterday....Katie and I went on a picnic with him!!!!!!!!! He is the first boy, besides Jake, that I actually have a chance with whom I have like VERY MUCH. Sorry for abusing the CAPS lock button. That is all for now. I'm going to skype my friend Sadie in Utah and ask her expert opinion on the situation. I miss Sadie...she's so very far away. And after I skype her I'm going to post a