finger word vomit

i'm such a shallow person. why, you ask? BEcause all i think about is boys. What is wrong with me? I should be thinking about sleep? But i'm not. I should be thinking about sleep. But i'm not. I caught myself typing that sentence twice half way through the second time writing it. Why am i not erasing it? because I find that the brain does weird things. Indirectly I am thinking about sleep. I'm also thinking about how I should be fixing my typos and grammatical errors. Am I doing either of those? No. I think I can write but I can't. I can write, but I feel as if Im not worthy of it because I have the grammar of a third grader. I guess you could say I'm in the process of going to sleep right now because I have the thought at the forefront of my mind, but I'm still word vomiting through my finger tips. Weird sentence. Fuck it. Fuck italll. I have a headache and I'm a masochist. Why would KAtie try and make me hopeful and say she thinks Andy actually likes me. It's a load of bull shit. I have a lot more self confidence now but why would he like me when he can get girls like Katie? hmmm. he held her hand yesterday when she didn't feel good. he probably likes her but she has a boyfriend. While i sit there in a meditative state jacked up on hydrocodone after the concert and contemplate how picking up trash from a concert wouldn't suck but might in fact be a very calming and meditative process. I didn't want to touch anyone after the concert because everyone there was drunk and douchey. They made me want to sit in my room at home and sleep and bitch and not eat. Contemplating anorexia.

I'm such a freak.

I think that I post these because I can go back and read them at another time and see how I have developed as a human being. They only truly serve as a rant page and as a way to embarass myself.

I get weirder with age.

I need to learn to not care what other people htinkg.

I need to go to ocllege and "find myself" or some shit. I need to tap into my inner weirdities and figure out what i feel. I like to "feel"

where did that come from? Ive been hung over for two days. I need sleep.
I also need to stop typing. I'll delete this post tomorrow probably. I wish I could just write a story like I originally wnated to. I don't know structure. not sentence structure. not structure to life. not nothin.