shits weak and same as always. I sound like a pessimist on here because I only type on this thing when I hate myself. Today is one of those days. I'm sitting at the UOI in my dorms study lounge thinking about how I always get the short end of the stick. Truth is, I bring it upon myself. If I knew how to flirt with boys I wouldn't have a problem getting a boyfriend. Atleast that's what Mitch told me this past weekend when he was wasted. If I only knew what flirting meant... KIDDING. I know what it issssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. I just don't know how to do it. Today, Katie tells me Matt W asked for her number. I've only been talking about how cute he is since summer. . . . Is it just me or does she get EVERY guy I want. My last post on here was about how my guy crush probably liked her. Guess what? He did. He told me so just two days after that last post and boy did it make for one hellish of a summer after that. It was complete bullshit. And now she has a boyfriend and she still manages to make every boy like her more.


On a completely separate note, my problems are miniscule. Brandons brother just got shot and killed a few days ago and here I am ranting about my dumb problems. And yet I can't help but still be depressed and struggle struggle struggle. I need to stop.

finger word vomit

i'm such a shallow person. why, you ask? BEcause all i think about is boys. What is wrong with me? I should be thinking about sleep? But i'm not. I should be thinking about sleep. But i'm not. I caught myself typing that sentence twice half way through the second time writing it. Why am i not erasing it? because I find that the brain does weird things. Indirectly I am thinking about sleep. I'm also thinking about how I should be fixing my typos and grammatical errors. Am I doing either of those? No. I think I can write but I can't. I can write, but I feel as if Im not worthy of it because I have the grammar of a third grader. I guess you could say I'm in the process of going to sleep right now because I have the thought at the forefront of my mind, but I'm still word vomiting through my finger tips. Weird sentence. Fuck it. Fuck italll. I have a headache and I'm a masochist. Why would KAtie try and make me hopeful and say she thinks Andy actually likes me. It's a load of bull shit. I have a lot more self confidence now but why would he like me when he can get girls like Katie? hmmm. he held her hand yesterday when she didn't feel good. he probably likes her but she has a boyfriend. While i sit there in a meditative state jacked up on hydrocodone after the concert and contemplate how picking up trash from a concert wouldn't suck but might in fact be a very calming and meditative process. I didn't want to touch anyone after the concert because everyone there was drunk and douchey. They made me want to sit in my room at home and sleep and bitch and not eat. Contemplating anorexia.

I'm such a freak.

I think that I post these because I can go back and read them at another time and see how I have developed as a human being. They only truly serve as a rant page and as a way to embarass myself.

I get weirder with age.

I need to learn to not care what other people htinkg.

I need to go to ocllege and "find myself" or some shit. I need to tap into my inner weirdities and figure out what i feel. I like to "feel"

where did that come from? Ive been hung over for two days. I need sleep.
I also need to stop typing. I'll delete this post tomorrow probably. I wish I could just write a story like I originally wnated to. I don't know structure. not sentence structure. not structure to life. not nothin.

good editing on the last post. i didn't even finish my last sentence. niiiicee

I was so childish. It's been a very long time since I have posted on here...and my have I changed! I was so unhappy in high school and I do NOT know why. Funny thing about this blog...not that much has changed. I just got over my crush on my guy friend, I still talk the boy who ditched me on wpa and has a girlfriend, and I still swoon over Taylor Seeley (the boy I had a crush on for two years). Except he's something like a heroin addict now. SCARY! I am way more self confident now and I like a new boy. I have been crushin' on him for a while and finally FINALLY i'm friends with him.





He wrote on my wall after we hung out, "Let's hang out again!" after we hung out with this group of people. So naturally, I gave him my number. I was just so surprised because he wrote that on MY WALL. not Katie's, not Mitchells, not Brads (though he doesn't have a fb), and not Brandons or Allis. Fuck yeah. And yesterday....Katie and I went on a picnic with him!!!!!!!!! He is the first boy, besides Jake, that I actually have a chance with whom I have like VERY MUCH. Sorry for abusing the CAPS lock button. That is all for now. I'm going to skype my friend Sadie in Utah and ask her expert opinion on the situation. I miss Sadie...she's so very far away. And after I skype her I'm going to post a

Birds Of A Feather Flock Together

WOWZER its been a long ass time since I've been on this bad boy.

I am a happy and normal teenager these days. I have stopped blogging and journaling quite a bit as of late because I feel to self-centered doing it. But sometimes on those bad days...it's just really nice to vent to someone (or in my case something) that will understand.

What do I even say? Uhhhh boy issues are at an all time high. I have two prospects in mind. One who is my best guy friend and the other, a new friend from school. The new friend from school started as a tactic to make H (my best guy friend) jealous. Now I actually like this boy. oh man oh man. But the question is...do either of them like me back?

Finals are coming fast and hard this week considering I have to take them early..since I'm going to Colorado! I also just got back from the Netherlands because I went to visit my aunt. Yeeeesh I just got caught up and now I have to do all this shit. I have nooooo free time these days.

Speaking of free-time. I have quit both my sports. And I could not be happier. It has brightened everything considerably. I have also gotten a job at the Y and I am painting a mural on my wall =) I have discovered this new passion for painting. I never thought I could draw or paint..but here I am doing both. I'm no artist though, I simply recreate awesome hippie works that I like.

I'm farely certain that's all I have to say. I mean there is so much more...but I'm tired of typing.

Oh blog I have missed you so.

i candy coat and cover everything that i'm still hiding underneath. its been a long time. its been a long time.

wpa= complete fucking piece'o'shit.
slumdog millionaire= best movie everr.

i dont even know anymore.
do i sound like im slipping into a depression stage?
i feel like i do.

i feel like i dont make any of my own decisions, they're all made for me.
and my grades suck shit rite now. well not really just by my moms standards.
b's arent good enough.

but on the dreery brightside, i did find my dream job and ive already started the quest to persue it.

it incorporates my two loves music and writing.

i want to be the red bull pit reporter for the warped tour...its actually just an internship but whatever that will help me better my career. i have to be 18 and im still only 15 so in three summers its on like donkey kong. for serious i'm getting that job its a dream job that could greatly benifit my career. and contrary to your belief i can actually write, though you couldn't tell by the way i write on here. =)

boo i am a whore

so previously i said i was sick but really ok


wellllll i lied.

i AM sick and it hurts so bad to cough. i feel like my esophagus or however you spell it is shredding into a million pieces. helpp

*ech *ech i'm sick. boo you whore

ech ech i'm sick today.

i actually didn't feel good this morning but in reality i'm fine i just didn't wanna go to basketball.

what bad karma. blehhhhh.

ROBERT PLANT owns. i lovee it. and the jonas brothers with stevie wonder... awesomeeee.
i lovee the grammies

i cant wait for wpa its going to be awESOME

i'm so happy

the guy i've liked for practically the past YEAR broke up with his girlfriend or she broke up with him, or they decided mutually? i dont know the details but he's single!

the problem
**i dont think he even knows my name, and he goes to another school.
there's many more problems with this crush but i wont bore you or myself in explaining them.

all i know is... i'm one step closer to my dream boyfriend hahaha. key word DREAM

jolly good day

they CANCELED finals!
eat it.

this was my schedule this past week for school:

monday-full day which means nothing cause its finals week.
tuesday-early out (2 hrs. early)
wednesday-no school
thursday-no school
friday-no school (but i still had my basketball game)
saturday&sunday-goes as planned.
monday-no school (MLK day)

it was a hard and tedious week.. can yah tell?

whoop whoop.

FINALS

i have an appointment with my counselor on wednesday to talk about doing the year abroad program. i want to go somewhere english speaking since i only hardly know spanish.. so i was thinking london or somewhere near that. =) i'm really excited it should be fun.


its finals week. bleh. but it'll be fine i just have to keep studying like i have been and its allll good.

semester abroad.

new years resolutions

1) have a healthy mindset. step away from the pessimism.
2) be a healthier person in general
3) get nothing below a b+

i dont feel like disecting them on here but i will in my journal.


school starts tomorrow i really dont want to go.

while we were in breckenridge my sister and i talked about doing a semester abroad. i really like the idea and i think i might actually do it. it would be very fun, but sad to leave my friends and family behind. and if i did do it i wouldn't have to do basketball next year.

new years resolutions

i need to make my new years resolutions...
what shall they be.

i think i will make three.
then disect them to pieces so their reachable.
yes that will be it.
i'll get back to you on what they're going to be.

I'M HOME I'M HOME I'M HOME.

i never thought i would call this crappy temporary condo home .. but i am. i'm grateful to be home with my own bed and own bathroom... its very pleasant. i have no more 15 hour car rides to endure or creaky bunk beds to share with my sister and her boyfriend. no more cold showers or 10 people in one house. YESSS.

now i have basketball practices, bestfriends, and homework. I also have one more week of break and new years. .. woooot.

dew FUCKING tour, hell yes.

i'm finally in colorado! as of this moment in time im sitting on the top bunk of my bunk bed in our cabin. the trip took like 15 hours.

heres the highlights of the past 15 hours of driving:

*we got a flat tire

*drove through a snow storm

*got stopped on the inner state when a random dog was running down it

*drove through the longest tunnel in the US.

*realized that a stop on the dew tour was taking place in breckenridge

*watched step brothers

*and i almost got car sickness.

it was pretty eventful. 

so were starting this new project in english..its our final project and i'm so excited =D

we got put into groups of like 10 and we have to make a song and a music video about world events and our life that have happened from 1992 to 2008 its gonna be AWESOME.

i'll definitly put the music video up on here and on my youtube once its done. i'm going to miss english class.


t-minus 4 days till colorado!!


in the car list:
*season 1 of gossip girl
*homework (YEAH RIGHT)
*my journal
*steves laptop (my sisters boyfriend)
*my video camera
*my ipod
*steves itrip
*my camera
hopefully that will last me 12-14 hours =))


ive decided to write a book.
i don't quite know what its going to be about though....hmm what a way to start a book.

6hbgynm89ui 6tygt8yhgfgrf6y70o[;'p;lk,jhgcdfvhygb iuj7h


^^^the result of banging your forehead on the keyboard.




I'M SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BOREDD.

god i suck

sometimes i wonder if i have any real friends.

i'm slipping again

i can feel it. my old ways are slowly returning. i was actually completely 100 percent happy for about a week and i think thats going away. i'm not for sure.. its just that i have moments in my day where i catch myself thinking about really negative things and its just depressing. i hope i don't, i want to be truly happy for my trip to colorado. i dont wanna be a bummer. well i'm never pessimistic towards others and i don't actually show these feelings out in the open but i know the difference, and so does my mom.

when i'm happy, my mom and i get along.
when i'm not happy, we don't.

nothing good ever stays.

RIP

my best friends grandpa died =( i hate deaths.
it brings everyone down. i know im a pessimist and all but i never want people to die. it sucks especially when its closely related to you.

i feel so gross right now. we went to this place called tic toc for dinner and i ate wayyy to much and i dont feel good now. blehhh.

i had my job shadow today. it was boring but informative. i dont wanna work for a newspaper though. i really need to think about what i could possibly do for a living. im the biggest hippy in my family so not spending money would be easy but when i have kids i want them to be able to do things they like like i get to do. yes i'm spoiled.. i'm sorry. i'm also self centered. im trying to change that but its difficult. atleast i'm aware of that.